Dear High School Mom

The Headlines:

Is there anything about High School... that's easy?

I mean, For Moms?

Every night since my son was born, I would take him to bed.  My husband got to do this for my daughter as a baby (since I worked ridiculous early morning hours back then)...  but I was in charge of the night time parade for my little boy.  And a parade it was... filled with lots of pomp and circumstance, prayers, colors, smiles, songs, tears, maybe even some occasional marching!

Then, once safely tucked into his bed we did the same thing you did.  We read a couple books.  I still have some of our favs.  What special little books they were - remember Pete the Cat & his New White Shoes,  Snuggle Puppy, On the Night You Were Born, The Giving Tree or I'll Love you Forever?  Ahhhh, precious stuff.  Beautiful themes, rich stories, words that seemed to dance on the pages they were written.  Many of the stories I read kind of became a rhthymic song as the words tumbled out into our room. 

Then I would pray.  As the years went on... my son got really good at saying his own prayers.  This was his classic, very long run on sentence to open with:  

Dear God: thank you for Mommy, my Daddy, my sissy, my doggy, my grandmas, my grandpas... thank you for my Mommy, my Daddy, my sissy, my doggy,  my grandmas, my grandpa's FRIENDS - (then he'd get to the news of the day)  

The night time routine was followed and finished by 2 songs.   They were always: 

Jesus Loves Me (cause, duh)  

and 

You are my Sunshine, My only SONshine

(You probably know, but it continues):

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear how much I love you

Please don't take my SONshine away...

  

But then I would add: 

Don't you dare take my sunshine away...

Don't even thiiiiiiiink about taking hiiiiiiiim away. 

Thanks for letting me reminisce.  No, my voice wasn't that good of course, but it didn't matter.  He loved it and so did I.  It made us both feel happy and safe. 

Here he is (as a two year old) singing his own rendition - of Jesus Love Me.  I happened to find it - just couldn't resist putting it here!  

The whole nightly process took at least 15-30 minutes.  It was a routine.  One that some days seemed exhausting because it just made an already long day, well, longer.  Then in like 6th grade, maybe a little before, it just stopped.  Not necessarily a bad thing, I was busy too - got a little more time in my day that way.   But as irony would have it (and often does) when things come to an end... that very thing is all that you want.  

Which is exactly the case for me and my SONshine... because he just started High School.  And while, yes, this is a very exciting and cool time...  it also kind of stings.  

And I am dying a little inside.  

You see, having my son was, honestly, one of my greatest accomplishments.  Since I had the hardest time conceiving him.  I did not have a problem with my daughter (in life actually too) but experienced "secondary fertility" issues with my son.  I fought long and hard until he, almost miraculously, appeared.  It's all HERE in a blog I wrote years ago.  I still get emails from people after they read it.  Today, I treasure everything about the process.  But then, man was it crushing.  

So as that little boy starts high school, I am struggling as he is soaring - the other day he mentioned some other kid (obviously older than him) said he could take him home if he ever needed it.  Seems cool,  nice offer.  But I almost felt like I got punched in the gut.  Because that is coming.  As high school goes on, he will need me less and less... and less.

While, perhaps, I need him more.

Yes, I know, I've been through this before.  I wrote about it when my daughter went to High School and Middle School and again when she graduated High School.  But through it all... I had him.  I was still in the thick of things with that kid.  And it was thick!  He was in like 4 sports and guitar all at once! My husband lived in another state for 3 years.  I did (still do) Real Estate.  My Mom came to live with us.  Yea, for a long time, I had lots of trouble keeping everything above water.  But now, it's different.

Which brings me to a weird moment in time - because while he's celebrating this new found teen hood, grown up spot that I'm pretty sure he's digging a bit... I'm pouring a little bit of my heart into a song from a time that has slipped away... for good. 

Which means I need to remember one of the most important lessons I teach my kids:  Struggle produces Strength.  So this struggle I'm in - will make me better.  Maybe you too. 

When my daughter went to high school, I wrote a letter, on this blog, to her.  

Now, I want to write a letter to me.  And the moms who are out there... maybe feeling a little like me too.

Dear High School Boy Mom, 

I know, it happened.  Does it feel odd?  Or is it a relief?  Maybe you're lonely or petrified? 

I'm not sure what I am... but I do know that I don't know what high school is like for a boy.  

It's so different because girls have pressure in high school to look good, perform in sports, go to the Prom with someone, drive a cool car, get good grades, know everyone, be everywhere.  

Wait, but so do boys.  Maybe it's not that different.  

But girls talk about their feelings more.  Which is sort of like a positive and a negative.  Sometimes I felt like my daughter would just ruminate in all of her feelings... and talking about them ad nauseam just reinforced the crazy.  Letting it out is good but sitting in the madness - can make you go MAD.  

Speaking of mad, it stinks because often times, boys believe, incorrectly, that the only acceptable feeling for them... is anger.  Which is so not good or true.  

So how are we going to deal with that?

Maybe stand by silently supporting is the answer.  It sure is the easiest thing to do.  Or perhaps getting him involved in 3 different sports, plus some clubs, student government and a job would do the trick?  Naaaaah. 

Guys, this is new, hard to maneuver terrain.  And we're adults who should know the answers but I'm pretty sure many adults - including us - are sometimes just as confused as our own children.  Like our children, emotional maturity escapes us.  Or at least some of us.

But as long as we know that... hey I say we're ahead of the game. 

So, I think we sit back, advise when asked and sometimes, when they don't ask.  We pick 'em up when they're down, punish 'em when they do something wrong and I definitely need to tell him to get off the phone once or twice a day (do you know teens really shouldn't be on any longer than 2 hours each day - for the sake of their mental health?  Seriously!)  We should drive them from place to place (especially church & practice), ask about homework, keep healthy food in the fridge, trust that they make mostly right decisions and hope for only a few bad ones.  

Because the time has come to slowly start letting go.   Not completely... but the beginning of... real growing up.

So, stand with me.  Or maybe hold me up.   I will be your kick stand if you'll be mine?  And together let's dive into this new fast motion reality whenever & wherever we can.  

See you there. 

Love, 

Nicole 

Job 32:6-8  I am young in years, and you are old; that is why I was fearful, not daring to tell you what I know.  I thought, age should speak; advanced years should teach wisdom (8) but it is the spirit in a person... and the breath of the almighty that gives them understanding.  

When Your Child Grows Up

 The Headlines:

You have a baby

They grow up

Then, what?

For the past couple months, I'm waking up early.  My stomach starts to churn and my mind won't stop.  I am uncomfortable.  I am nervous. Maybe throw in excited and stressed.  It's all because my daughter is graduating high school and life will forever change as we know it.  So, maybe you could say I'm a little devastated too.  

It's funny,  I wrote about having children, or my inability to... on this blog years ago.  People still read it. I still get emails.  It's my most popular blog post/s by far and has been for years.  When I wrote it, it never really crossed my mind that one day... my babies would grow up.  Let's face it - back then - they were young, I was tired and it seemed as if they couldn't grow fast enough.  Until one day, it happened.  Grown, they got.  Overnight.  And then all you want to do is go back to when they were absolutely driving you nuts - even if it's just for a few moments.

Because now... in a few days, my daughter will graduate.  We'll have the summer.  Then, after a brief couple months (which will fly by), she's off and running.  Like, gone.  She's not staying in my state, she's heading to the deep South of our country.  She is super duper leaving us.  

The other day my husband was talking to her about crossing a busy street here in Scottsdale... saying something along the lines of - don't do it.  It's dangerous.  And she was like: "Dad - I'm going across the country in a few months, where I will be crossing many busy streets.  Without you."  Ha.  True that sister.  Because that's what happens, with parenting, you hold their little hand while crossing the street with them... until one day... they cross all on their own.  It's our job to get them to cross the street, eventually by themselves.  Then, she no longer needs us to hold her hand. 

I just want her to use the cross walk.  

But she really doesn't have to... if she doesn't want to use a crosswalk, she can deal with the ticket for jay walking.  It's time for her to take responsilbility of her own actions.  Wherever those lead her. 

There's lot of warning signals that Motherhood doesn't come with...  when you gave birth, did anyone mention you'd tear your body and be afraid to go to the bathroom for fear your insides would fall out in the toilet?  Or when your child falls, you get the bruise?  What about when they cry, tears roll down your face faster?  When they score a goal, you walk a little taller.  But if they don't make a team, you want to throw up.  This, feels like another one of those, no one told me kinda things.  Or maybe they did but when it happens to you - you pay attention more.

When I went to college, the last thing I thought of was what I left behind.  I was just looking forward.  Focused on the excitement ahead.  Now, as parents, we're the ones being left.  I poured my heart and soul into this beautiful, precious, kind little person who became an adult before my very eyes and she's gonna take all that out into the world and go.  It feels like that's not what's supposed to happen.  But it actually is.  That is exactly what's supposed to happen.   So, I should probably just pull up my boot straps and deal with it.  

She will too.  There's no question she's ready.  I've seen major growth in these last 6-8 months.  But we were in the car a little while ago and she said: "I know that I'm 17 and growing up and moving out soon... but I still feel so young."  She is... adulthood is looming but it's not here quite yet.   Maybe because, as long as your parents are on this earth, you're always kind of a "child".  I actually don't think we should ever lose that.  The bible agrees.

Mark 10:15 "Jesus says to the disciples, “Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” 

That statement, was apparently prompted by the disciples annoyance at the crowd of kids who wanted to see and be near Jesus.  The disciples tried to keep the children away but Jesus wanted them to come to him.  He also wants us to accept him, just as a child, accepts many things they can not see but trust.  Unconditionally, with pure joy, love and gratitude.  This, is how we should always strive to be - it's what God teaches his children and ironically what our children teach us. 

Think about that.  It's half the reason we have kids - to see the world through them.  It's better with those glasses on!

Being a Mom to my daughter - Savannah - was and continues to be a the most life changing job I've ever had... boy was it fun.  I learned more about patience, understanding, balance, motivation, deprivation, hope, kindness, frustration, compromise, selflessness and love than I thought possible.  She taught me those things and so much more.  I'm pretty sure she is a far better person than I ever was at her age.  And that's exactly what we want, right?  We want them to be so much more than we were or are.  We want all the happiness injected into them but know that won't come without pain.  And shouldn't.  For it's the pain that makes the heart sore higher.  It's the suffering that makes the situation sweeter.  This, my girl knows to be true.  She's witnessed it first hand.  So many children do as they grow.  Childhood, for better or worse, I tend to think better -  is not without battle wounds.  Thank God.

Last year, (New Year's Day 2023 to be exact) my daughter told me she wanted to build a better relationship with God.  On her own terms.  Meaning, not the way I was doing it.  Not that mine was bad.  She just knew she wanted a different plan.  She wanted to carve her own path.  So when someone she met last Summer told her about a Scottsdale church he thought she would enjoy... she went.  And she hasn't stopped going.  The lessons are very similar to the ones we've been teaching her, I think she is aware of that, but they're coming from a different source which has reinforced the foundation we built.  Because of this renewed  "Jesus Power"... she has become incredibly optimistic, centered and steady.  These are all qualities she desperately needed this year.  It would inevitably prepare her for what's to come, in college, on her own and away from her parents. 

And as we too get ready for her departure, I trust, "teach a child the way he should go...  and when he is old, he will not depart from it"  Proverbs 22:6.

We have done what we can.  We have done well.  She will do better.  She will take it from here.  God will protect her, provide for her and provoke her to do just as he plans.  For his plan is far better than any of ours. 

Okay awesome. 

So where does that leave me?  Where does that leave all of the parents who still want to hold their child's hand when they cross the street?  

I honestly don't entirely know. 

But - if I had to guess - I would say: I should remind myself I needed my Mom a lot in college.  Just in a different way.  I still needed her, and my Dad, when I graduated.  I needed my parents when I got my first serious job.  I needed them when I got married.  I even needed them when I had babies.  Shoot, I needed to hear my Dad's voice almost daily... until that wasn't an option anymore.  

Which means, I guess that need - never really goes away.  It just changes.  So I need to change, too.